Thursday, March 25, 2010

Solving the Hal Jordan problem, because the ladies demanded it!

I solve hero problems, a least that’s what I’d like to put on an ad. So, when the heroines of the DCU hired me to rid them off a pesky skirt-chasing Hal Jordan who, as the ladies put it, “creates to an over-sexualized DCU” and “isn’t all that, anyway.”

Now, I’m not an assassin. Nor am I a lawyer. So, I can’t kill him or get a restraining order that prohibits Hal from coming within 2000 feet of planet Earth’s female population.

What I can do is come up with a solution to the problem, which I think I’ve done.

First, I boiled the problem down to its essence: In terms of relationships with the opposite sex, Hal Jordan is somewhat of a dog. Looking at this from a Pop Psychology Perspective, commitment-phobia is the term that comes to mind.

Dog...Commitment-phobia...Dog...Commitment-phobia...How do you teach an old dog new tricks? Commitment-phobia...Dog...Why is the old dog afraid to commit? Maybe he and Carol aren’t really meant to be? Maybe, he has too much of a roving eye?

Here’s what I was thinking....

Set Hal up with someone else.

Requirements? Must love dogs! Just joking.

Okay, here I went with the suggestions of DCU heroines. Firstly, she should be a superheroine, because a lot of Hal’s flirtatious behaviour occurs while on the job. Secondly, she’s got be able to put Hal in his place when he gets out of hand. Thirdly, she should hold Hal’s attention. Lastly, they suggested that she should love drama, because Hal’s a bit of a drama queen in the “I quit!” or “This is over!” and then leaving in a huff department.


MH = S + PIP +A + LD, where:
MH = Match for Hal
S = Superheroine
PIP = Ability to Put him In his Place
A = Attention-holding
LD = Loves Drama

But the formula was only half completed. It needed to be a weighted formula and I felt some of the DCU ladies lacked the objectivity with regard to Hal. For example, they wanted to give the PIP factor a weight of 60 per cent, because they wanted to see Hal put in his place constantly.

Huntress especially didn’t hide her distaste for the guy. Heck, given the rumour Hal spread her participation in a threesome with Lady Blackhawk and Hal, I didn’t blame her. I managed to calm her down by showing her the tape of who was actually involved: Some blond guy called Maser and Ralph Dibny. Yeah, that was some bottle of Grappa. I mean, Ralph?

After we finished laughing about Hal’s taped escapade and lack of creativity* in replacing the names of those involved, I managed to convince them of the following weighted formula:

MH = S(20%) + PIP (20%) +A(40%) + LD(20%),where the factor called Attention-holding (A) has the greatest weight (40%) and is thus the most important factor to consider.

*Note: Oracle did a wonderful skit on Hal’s suspected thought process (which was hysterical in more ways than one) the morning after, “OMG, did I?? Did we??? And they weren’t even Barry or Ollie! Think dammit. I have a rep to protect. I can’t just swear these guys to secrecy. No, I have to make something up that’ll make me the envy of every red-blooded straight guy...again...Think, man...Think!...That’s it! I’ll say I had a girl-girl-boy threesome. Lemme see...Maser is blonde. What woman do I know who’s also blond? Lady Blackhawk. Yes! Ralph wears Purple. What woman do I know who wears Purple? I know, Huntress! Or is it supposed to Lavender or Violet? *facepalms* OMG, maybe I am gay. I mean, I knew the names of those the colours on the gay side of the spectrum, didn’t I?” *slaps his forehead*

Who knew Babs was such a barrel of laughs (or is it venom)?

Anyway, I fed the formula into the computer and let it run.

The results indicated that I needed to look outside of the DCU. Specifically, Hal’s perfect match lives in the Marvel Universe. We’re going to need Access to help out on this one...And DC hardliners, please don’t hate the researcher or his methodology, hate the results (if you must).

Without further ado, I give to you Green Lantern Hal Jordan’s perfect match:

Jessica Drew (a.k.a. Spider-woman)!

Below, is how she did factor-wise...

Factor #1: (S or Superheroine)
Jessica is that and so much more. Her powers are superhuman strength, speed, reflexes, endurance, heightened senses, sticking to walls (useful for keeping an eye on a flirt like Hal Jordan), an immunity to poisons, drugs, and radiation. She can’t fly, but she can glide. It should also be noted that Spider-woman is so super that she is another example of what I call the Great Spiderman Paradox that states:

Spider-man is great (some say iconic character) spider-themed character. Once a great themed character exists, it is nearly impossible to create a similarly themed character (whether related or unrelated to the original great themed character) that works at even a minimum level. However, contrary to expectation, the vast majority of spider-themed superheroes (of just about every comic book universe) work exceedingly well. Sadly, this is not true for non-spider-themed heroes.

Factor #2: (PIP or The ability to Put him In his Place)
Spider-woman possesses a “venom blast” (a focussed blast of bioelectric energy that can stun or kill normal human). I can picture Jessica hitting Hal with a zap to the back of the head when he gets out of hand.

Factor #3: (A or Attention-holding)
Jessica can hold any guy’s attention, because she’s a knock-out (even with the mask that’s evident). She’s also had her own solo animated series back in the seventies, voiced by Joan van Ark. So, she’s a celebrity of sorts and Hal strikes me as the type to lose his mind around celebrities. Then there’s her title of officially having the best-looking hair in the entire Marvel Universe. That right there should make Spider-woman a match for the guy who thinks he has the best-looking hair in the DCU and acts (read: poses over-the-shoulder with hand in hair) accordingly. However, as unfair as those advantages seem, she still has an ace up her sleeve: She can secrete pheromones that make any man attracted to her. Sniff around Jessica and you might never want to sniff anyone else.

Factor #4: (LD or Loves Drama)
She lives in the Marvel Universe and those Marvel heroes really love their drama. She’s been on a Marvel Universe team or four in her time and Marvel teams are like soap operas sometimes. So, drama is inherent in her life. More specifically, she’s been on a team with Iron Man and one side to the multi-faceted Iron Man can be best described as “Drama Queen Hal Jordan with WAYYYY more follow-through.” If Iron Man were a member of the JLA and didn’t like how they were doing things (like Hal ranted about in James Robinson’s Crying Shame), he’d quit and actually create his own Justice League. In fact, he’s done this twice or thrice over the course of his Avengers career.

But why would Jessica Drew even give a guy like Hal (with his rep) the time of day?

Perhaps, it’s out of feminist solidarity? This is reaching on my part, but Jesssica is a member of the all-girl Lady Liberators (which include Sue Storm, Storm, Hellcat, Tigra, Black Widow aand others). Is there a greater act of liberation than liberating an entire universe of purportedly the biggest manwhore there is in said universe?

Maybe Hal reminds her of Nick Fury (a long time friend / boss / supporter), who in terms of looks is a more tough-looking, eye-patch-wearing, version of Mister Jordan (back when he had the white highlights)?

Maybe it’s because Jessica is a Private Investigator in civilian life and is therefore more DC than even she knows? DC Comics is really Detective Comics Comics, remember?

Okay, I really don’t know why. This is just fanboy spit-balling here, people.


  1. I always suspected Zatanna of having a fling-for-fun or two with Mr. Jordan. Regardless, I think she definitely fits your criteria!

  2. I can definitely see Zatanna. Heck she's shacked up with John Constantine! I rather get the impression that Hal has slept with MOST of the women in the DC Universe, and he probably wouldn't be averse to sleeping with most of the women in the Marvel Universe, provided he could pay attention long enough.

  3. I don't know abotu Spiderwoman, 'cause I'm one of those annoying strictly-DC-only people, but I kinda like the on/off relationship with Carol Ferris. I guess I could see Zee. Really, I don't like seeing random hookups between seems contrived. (Plus it seems like a workplace relationship.) I'd just rather superheroes date regular folks, if at all.

  4. Sea, Sally, I didn’t go for the Zatanna-Hal hook-up scenario, because it’s happened twice (or maybe even thrice) before.

    According to my super-secret sources, after their first encounter Zee regretted it immediately and promptly mindswiped Hal. After the second time, Hal was figuratively swinging around lamp posts and singing about it to such a degree that Zee felt the sudden urge to make him forget the whole thing again.

    There is proof of this happening: Firstly, Hal gets hit in the head a lot. Secondly, Hal falls over and flails on the ground rather more frequently than other heroes. Repeated mindswiping in a lather-rinse-repeat manner leads to random loss of reflexes and motor control. Connect the dots, people.

    Hal should be happy he has a power ring as a weapon and not really large knives...

    Anyway, Zee might fall short in the 'being a Superhero' department, but that's just my opinion.

    Liss, not always too sure about the regular folks. For example, Bats would never be happy with a regular gal (maybe because Bats is the real identity and Wayne is more of a mask).