The Real Didio-Johns Conspiracy: Whose line is it anyway? (a.k.a. Base Pairs of Evil)

Three  or four years ago, if you googled Geoff Johns AND Green Lantern, a good third of your results would be of the ‘Johns mistreats Kyle Rayner to prop up his dreamboat Hal Jordan’ variety. While there is some merit in such assertions of conspiracy, those speculations were in reality mere misdirection.

The truth is that everything that’s happened over the last four or five years is part of a much bigger (misguided and ultimately doomed to fail) conspiracy. Call it slight of arc, if you will.

Now, I’ll keep this brief. To understand the conspiracy, you must follow these steps:

1. Close your eyes. Note: Only do this step if your Zen is strong!

2. Picture three different JLA group photos (the original line-up; the Big seven roster; and a mash-up between the original line-up and the Big seven roster). There’s considerable overlap, right? Also note: keep legacy characters “generational secret-identity neutral” (for the Big seven and Mash-up pictures).

3. Now focus on the two or three heroes at the centre of the Big Seven and Mash-up pictures.

4. Now focus on the blond guy with the green pants front and centre of the Original line-up.

5. Now focus on the two heroes just left or just right of those heroes referred to in Step 3 (in the Big Seven or Mash-up pictures).

6. Now focus on the same two heroes. Again, take note of their positions.

This is the essence of the conspiracy....drum roll please:

Medium Term: Didio and Johns want to move the heroes referred to from Step 5 and 6 (Barry Allen and Hal Jordan) to where the heroes from Step 3 (Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman) are standing. Basically, it involves removing those standing at the centre of all 3 photos as well as those who might organically slip into those spots or steal the show (as we see below).

Green Lantern: Rebirth (It began)
Identity Crisis (Step 1 in Ralph’s downward spiral, because the conspirators galled by the fact that he has a rather surprisingly prominent spot in the Original line-up. If you got outshined by elongated man...Well, you couldn’t come back from that)
Flash: Rebirth (It continued)
Countdown (Killing a hero who was popular, independent of Baal...er...Barry and Hal)
52 (Another Step in the removal of Elongated Man)
Final Crisis (Getting J’onn and Aquaman out of the way temporarily)
One year later (We need the Trinity! What? Out to lunch?)
New Krypton (I wonder where Supes is? He was supposed to be on monitor duty...)
Batman (gone)
Wonder Woman (not in the picture anymore – excuse the pun)
Cry for Justice (temporarily discredit the only other remaining [read: not dead or not missing/displaced] senior member – a guy who actually doesn’t feature much in as many JLA photos as you’d think...Travelling hard is for suckers, anyway.)
The New JLA line-up (Who are the only senior guys left here? Hmmm, lemme think...I give up)
Blackest Night (The Hawks out of the picture for most of it...Another opportunity for Baal...er...Barry and Hal to shine.)

Before I tell you why, here’s the low-down on my classification system:

In terms of this particular classification system, there’s a first string and then there’s second string of heroes. Nothing new here.

First string are your top heroes, your JLA and some JSA, and be divided into first line (basically DC’s Trinity) and next line and sometimes even line after next (the latter two subcategories are the rest of the first string or top heroes).

There are no subcategories under second string, because once you’re second string, your life is over :)

Okay back to the conspiracy:

Barry and Hal (or rather Flash and Green Lantern) are the next line, but the conspirators think “next line” would sound better if there were no other candidates for that subcategory.

Although the Long Term objective was never to replace the Trinity (in terms of heroic status), it was to make the “next line” (Barry and Hal) more elite in the minds of readers. That’s easier to do with no competitors for next line slots or, put differently, a greater divide between next line and the line after next.

It is doomed to fail in the long term, because three regimes down the line there may very well be people at the reigns of DC who don't worship Hal and Barry quite as much. In fact, such a scenario is extremely likely.

Transmission over.

More DeviantArt Fun: Hal is a perfect fit...

This is where Hal Jordan truly belongs. This ultimate truth is brought to us by the GL-fanclub on deviantArt.

Solving the Hal Jordan problem, because the ladies demanded it!

I solve hero problems, a least that’s what I’d like to put on an ad. So, when the heroines of the DCU hired me to rid them off a pesky skirt-chasing Hal Jordan who, as the ladies put it, “creates to an over-sexualized DCU” and “isn’t all that, anyway.”

Now, I’m not an assassin. Nor am I a lawyer. So, I can’t kill him or get a restraining order that prohibits Hal from coming within 2000 feet of planet Earth’s female population.

What I can do is come up with a solution to the problem, which I think I’ve done.

First, I boiled the problem down to its essence: In terms of relationships with the opposite sex, Hal Jordan is somewhat of a dog. Looking at this from a Pop Psychology Perspective, commitment-phobia is the term that comes to mind.

Dog...Commitment-phobia...Dog...Commitment-phobia...How do you teach an old dog new tricks? Commitment-phobia...Dog...Why is the old dog afraid to commit? Maybe he and Carol aren’t really meant to be? Maybe, he has too much of a roving eye?

Here’s what I was thinking....

Set Hal up with someone else.

Requirements? Must love dogs! Just joking.

Okay, here I went with the suggestions of DCU heroines. Firstly, she should be a superheroine, because a lot of Hal’s flirtatious behaviour occurs while on the job. Secondly, she’s got be able to put Hal in his place when he gets out of hand. Thirdly, she should hold Hal’s attention. Lastly, they suggested that she should love drama, because Hal’s a bit of a drama queen in the “I quit!” or “This is over!” and then leaving in a huff department.

Or

MH = S + PIP +A + LD, where:
MH = Match for Hal
S = Superheroine
PIP = Ability to Put him In his Place
A = Attention-holding
LD = Loves Drama

But the formula was only half completed. It needed to be a weighted formula and I felt some of the DCU ladies lacked the objectivity with regard to Hal. For example, they wanted to give the PIP factor a weight of 60 per cent, because they wanted to see Hal put in his place constantly.

Huntress especially didn’t hide her distaste for the guy. Heck, given the rumour Hal spread her participation in a threesome with Lady Blackhawk and Hal, I didn’t blame her. I managed to calm her down by showing her the tape of who was actually involved: Some blond guy called Maser and Ralph Dibny. Yeah, that was some bottle of Grappa. I mean, Ralph?

After we finished laughing about Hal’s taped escapade and lack of creativity* in replacing the names of those involved, I managed to convince them of the following weighted formula:

MH = S(20%) + PIP (20%) +A(40%) + LD(20%),where the factor called Attention-holding (A) has the greatest weight (40%) and is thus the most important factor to consider.

*Note: Oracle did a wonderful skit on Hal’s suspected thought process (which was hysterical in more ways than one) the morning after, “OMG, did I?? Did we??? And they weren’t even Barry or Ollie! Think dammit. I have a rep to protect. I can’t just swear these guys to secrecy. No, I have to make something up that’ll make me the envy of every red-blooded straight guy...again...Think, man...Think!...That’s it! I’ll say I had a girl-girl-boy threesome. Lemme see...Maser is blonde. What woman do I know who’s also blond? Lady Blackhawk. Yes! Ralph wears Purple. What woman do I know who wears Purple? I know, Huntress! Or is it supposed to Lavender or Violet? *facepalms* OMG, maybe I am gay. I mean, I knew the names of those the colours on the gay side of the spectrum, didn’t I?” *slaps his forehead*

Who knew Babs was such a barrel of laughs (or is it venom)?

Anyway, I fed the formula into the computer and let it run.

The results indicated that I needed to look outside of the DCU. Specifically, Hal’s perfect match lives in the Marvel Universe. We’re going to need Access to help out on this one...And DC hardliners, please don’t hate the researcher or his methodology, hate the results (if you must).

Without further ado, I give to you Green Lantern Hal Jordan’s perfect match:

Jessica Drew (a.k.a. Spider-woman)!

Below, is how she did factor-wise...

Factor #1: (S or Superheroine)
Jessica is that and so much more. Her powers are superhuman strength, speed, reflexes, endurance, heightened senses, sticking to walls (useful for keeping an eye on a flirt like Hal Jordan), an immunity to poisons, drugs, and radiation. She can’t fly, but she can glide. It should also be noted that Spider-woman is so super that she is another example of what I call the Great Spiderman Paradox that states:

Spider-man is great (some say iconic character) spider-themed character. Once a great themed character exists, it is nearly impossible to create a similarly themed character (whether related or unrelated to the original great themed character) that works at even a minimum level. However, contrary to expectation, the vast majority of spider-themed superheroes (of just about every comic book universe) work exceedingly well. Sadly, this is not true for non-spider-themed heroes.

Factor #2: (PIP or The ability to Put him In his Place)
Spider-woman possesses a “venom blast” (a focussed blast of bioelectric energy that can stun or kill normal human). I can picture Jessica hitting Hal with a zap to the back of the head when he gets out of hand.

Factor #3: (A or Attention-holding)
Jessica can hold any guy’s attention, because she’s a knock-out (even with the mask that’s evident). She’s also had her own solo animated series back in the seventies, voiced by Joan van Ark. So, she’s a celebrity of sorts and Hal strikes me as the type to lose his mind around celebrities. Then there’s her title of officially having the best-looking hair in the entire Marvel Universe. That right there should make Spider-woman a match for the guy who thinks he has the best-looking hair in the DCU and acts (read: poses over-the-shoulder with hand in hair) accordingly. However, as unfair as those advantages seem, she still has an ace up her sleeve: She can secrete pheromones that make any man attracted to her. Sniff around Jessica and you might never want to sniff anyone else.

Factor #4: (LD or Loves Drama)
She lives in the Marvel Universe and those Marvel heroes really love their drama. She’s been on a Marvel Universe team or four in her time and Marvel teams are like soap operas sometimes. So, drama is inherent in her life. More specifically, she’s been on a team with Iron Man and one side to the multi-faceted Iron Man can be best described as “Drama Queen Hal Jordan with WAYYYY more follow-through.” If Iron Man were a member of the JLA and didn’t like how they were doing things (like Hal ranted about in James Robinson’s Crying Shame), he’d quit and actually create his own Justice League. In fact, he’s done this twice or thrice over the course of his Avengers career.

But why would Jessica Drew even give a guy like Hal (with his rep) the time of day?

Perhaps, it’s out of feminist solidarity? This is reaching on my part, but Jesssica is a member of the all-girl Lady Liberators (which include Sue Storm, Storm, Hellcat, Tigra, Black Widow aand others). Is there a greater act of liberation than liberating an entire universe of purportedly the biggest manwhore there is in said universe?

Maybe Hal reminds her of Nick Fury (a long time friend / boss / supporter), who in terms of looks is a more tough-looking, eye-patch-wearing, version of Mister Jordan (back when he had the white highlights)?

Maybe it’s because Jessica is a Private Investigator in civilian life and is therefore more DC than even she knows? DC Comics is really Detective Comics Comics, remember?

Okay, I really don’t know why. This is just fanboy spit-balling here, people.

Another cut scene or dvd extra from JLA: The Movie...

The scene opens with a steamed up bathroom mirror...

Cue this song:



The mirror gets wiped clear, revealing Hal Jordan’s bare upper body. Comb in hand, he’s lip-syncing and pointing at his reflection...He’s singing to himself about himself.

CUT TO:
The Watchtower hallway.

This is from the back shot of Hal.

Hal, now fully uniformed and sporting his Ipod, quietly sings along ("We made our connection...") while shuffling rhythmically down the hall, twirling around every half a dozen steps, on his way to transporter / teleporter room. He’s got a hot date.

"Hal!" Suddenly, J’onn ghosts through the wall a foot in front of Hal.

Hal falls over from being startled and plucks off his earphones. “Damnit, Martian. When will stop doing that??”

J’onn turns awayin the direction of the conference room, and telepathically answers, When it no longer amuses me. "Hal, It's an emergency. We're needed.”

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without the girdle-construct...

Courtesy of DeviantArt user spunkywulf, I present this emerald warrior as you never seen him before.

He's still working it, though...His trademark face-hand proximity pose is still fierce!

As promised, here’s some Hal Jordan DeviantArt Icon fun…

A few weeks back I mentioned an image I came across featuring Hal Jordan. Scroll down to 'Webcam' section on the left. Only Hal could get away with saying that.

He’s kind of like Austin Powers in that way.

Or like the Love Guru.

Maybe I'm just indecisive from the neck up.

Holy eveningwear, Batman!

Last Saturday, Gotham City...

The boy wonder has been sitting in the batcave for over an hour, staring at the screen. So much so that he almost doesn’t sense that he is no longer alone.

Before his assailant can strike, Robin launches into a summersault, snaps his fighting stick to its full extension, and without looking takes a hard swipe at his would-be attacker.

His strike is blocked.

Robin spins around and faces his adversary.

Robin: You?!

Batman: Why so surprised, Robin? This is my cave, after all. Was that another one of those ‘no-look’ strikes you like to use? I keep telling you: Don’t fight blind. You won’t be able to see.

Robin: Sorry, Batman. I was just so engrossed in –

Batman: Engrossed? That’s a big word for...What is that?!

Robin: What’s what?

Batman: The screen.

Robin (sits back down): That’s what’s so engrossing, Batman. It’s the Miss World pageant!

Batman: A beauty pageant?

Robin: Not a. The. And they’ve just announced the seven finalists. Hope you don’t mind me crashing down here. I mean, the cave’s got the biggest screen and it’s HD. Ooh, Miss Canada is soooo cute. Not only that, but she even won the talent competition a few days ago. She’s got a soprano voice like an angel’s...She’ll be on stage in a few moments!

Batman (wants to give a judgemental stare, but his cowl is already stuck that way): Who are those women on screen?

Robin: Oh, they didn’t make to the final round...I think they’re the roommates of the finalists. They’re asking them about their experiences with the finalists. See, there’s Miss Australia. She’s Miss Canada’s roommate and...What the?!

Batman (settling in on the chair next to Robin): Is something wrong?

Robin: Didn’t you hear Miss Australia’s snotty answer to thequestion, ‘Did you get along with Miss Canada?’ And she’s like, “Well...um...uh...guess she’s such a special person.” What the fudge is that supposed to mean? What a b--

Batman: Robin! Calm? Discipline? Fear leads Anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to etcetera? Have I taught you nothing?

Robin: I apologise, Master Sensei Batman. Don’t know what came over me. It’s just that I hate it when someone who lives with someone else constantly salts the game of the first someone. Do you understand?

Batman: I can relate. Believe me, I can relate.

Robin (confused): Can I ask you a question, Batman?

Batman: Of course. I’d love to say ‘shoot’, but I don’t like guns...So, fire away and wonder no more, Boy Wonder.

Robin: Why don’t we get judging gigs at beauty pageants? I mean, Nightwing is always telling me how you and Superman were always at charity events back in the old days...

Batman: Nightwing is from the circus, so he possesses warped circus thinking and memories...So, those charity events never happened. I mean really, why would I, the super-mysterious dark knight show up at public events? And for charity no less! Bah! If I wanted to be charitable, I have any one of the Wayne subsidiaries make a donation...That's if I wanted to, which I don’t...Robin, let me say this once and not twice. As I’m always trying to tell everyone that works with me: Real heroes are above trivialities such as beauty pageants. I’m Batman and I’m both realer and more real than real. As such, I’ll leave the beauty pageant judging to the less real heroes or posers such as Hal Jordan and Oliver Queen. To recap: I’m the real deal. I. Am. The. Night.

Robin: Batman, from what I’ve heard of those two, they would really enjoy judging beauty pageants and being involved in some judging scandals...I still say Miss Australia just totally cost Miss Canada the crown...Just you wait.

Robin says Miss World Canada (Lena Yanbing Ma, a model/soprano from North York, Ontario) is Cute and Talented





Robin says Miss World Australia (who shall remain nameless) is Blond and Evil

True origin of Hal Jordan?

There must be other comic scholars who have posed this question, but...Did they create the characters of Hal Jordan and Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek from the same mould?

You know, the charismatic hero who traverses the spaceways, has relations with many a human and alien female, doesn’t believe in no-win situations, and gets away with breaking various rules and directives while still being regarded as a great?

There are a pretty staggering number of similarities between the two... For example, I seem to recall Kirk also having to resort to the old “a-space-parasite-made-me-do-it” defence at some time.

Exhibit A: Both seem to share the same stylist.

Exhibit B: Both wear ridiculously tight uniforms (without benefit of a cape to divert the attention gawkers away from...um...assets).

Exhibit C: Both men have been called “a man among men and a hero for the ages.” Again, wearing ridiculously tight outfits will create such impressions.

Exhibit D: Hal Jordan has Barry Allen and Oliver Queen as both best friends and colleagues. Barry and Ollie have had many arguments (read: thinly veiled attempts to trump each other for Hal’s favour) over the years, which Barry could easily win/end in two seconds, but he admires Ollie’s passion for Hal too much.

Question: How does it feel to work with your best friend?

Answer: Much like working with your other best friend...

James Kirk has Spock and Doctor Leonard McCoy as best friends and colleagues. Spock and McCoy have had many arguments (read: thinly veiled attempts to trump each other for Kirk’s favour) over the years, which Spock could easily win/end in two seconds, but he admires McCoy’s passion for Kirk too much.

Seriously, Spock could end it like so...

...or like so...

...or even like so...

...but that's when he often sees McCoy's passion...

Exhibit E: Both Hal (Green Lantern: Rebirth and beyond) and Kirk (in Star Trek: Generations) were ‘reborn’ and fought alongside their successors.

Exhibit F: A river runs through it. Not only is this the name of a movie in which Brad Pitt looks disturbingly like the love-child of his director, Robert Redford, but also another compelling ‘coincidence’ shared between a particular Green Lantern and a Starfleet Captain. Allow me to elucidate...Hal’s surname is Jordan, the name of a river. Captain James T. Kirk’s middle name is Tiberius, which means ‘of the Tiber’, which is also the name of a river.

This is disturbing and off topic...

Exhibit G: Both work or have worked for people who’ve taken style tips from French Cardinal Richelieu.

One of the Guardians

A Starfleet Admiral wearing an outfit that makes his personality pop!

Cardinal Richelieu as style icon

Exhibit H: Both are prone to an unnaturally high incidence of grappling or wrestling with opponents and friends... Hal has the most powerful weapon in the universe on his finger and Captain Kirk’s phaser is set to stun anyway. So, there really no need to get physical. I could have shown a few images here to illustrate, but let’s keep this workplace-safe.