The Real Didio-Johns Conspiracy: Whose line is it anyway? (a.k.a. Base Pairs of Evil)

Three  or four years ago, if you googled Geoff Johns AND Green Lantern, a good third of your results would be of the ‘Johns mistreats Kyle Rayner to prop up his dreamboat Hal Jordan’ variety. While there is some merit in such assertions of conspiracy, those speculations were in reality mere misdirection.

The truth is that everything that’s happened over the last four or five years is part of a much bigger (misguided and ultimately doomed to fail) conspiracy. Call it slight of arc, if you will.

Now, I’ll keep this brief. To understand the conspiracy, you must follow these steps:

1. Close your eyes. Note: Only do this step if your Zen is strong!

2. Picture three different JLA group photos (the original line-up; the Big seven roster; and a mash-up between the original line-up and the Big seven roster). There’s considerable overlap, right? Also note: keep legacy characters “generational secret-identity neutral” (for the Big seven and Mash-up pictures).

3. Now focus on the two or three heroes at the centre of the Big Seven and Mash-up pictures.

4. Now focus on the blond guy with the green pants front and centre of the Original line-up.

5. Now focus on the two heroes just left or just right of those heroes referred to in Step 3 (in the Big Seven or Mash-up pictures).

6. Now focus on the same two heroes. Again, take note of their positions.

This is the essence of the conspiracy....drum roll please:

Medium Term: Didio and Johns want to move the heroes referred to from Step 5 and 6 (Barry Allen and Hal Jordan) to where the heroes from Step 3 (Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman) are standing. Basically, it involves removing those standing at the centre of all 3 photos as well as those who might organically slip into those spots or steal the show (as we see below).

Green Lantern: Rebirth (It began)
Identity Crisis (Step 1 in Ralph’s downward spiral, because the conspirators galled by the fact that he has a rather surprisingly prominent spot in the Original line-up. If you got outshined by elongated man...Well, you couldn’t come back from that)
Flash: Rebirth (It continued)
Countdown (Killing a hero who was popular, independent of Baal...er...Barry and Hal)
52 (Another Step in the removal of Elongated Man)
Final Crisis (Getting J’onn and Aquaman out of the way temporarily)
One year later (We need the Trinity! What? Out to lunch?)
New Krypton (I wonder where Supes is? He was supposed to be on monitor duty...)
Batman (gone)
Wonder Woman (not in the picture anymore – excuse the pun)
Cry for Justice (temporarily discredit the only other remaining [read: not dead or not missing/displaced] senior member – a guy who actually doesn’t feature much in as many JLA photos as you’d think...Travelling hard is for suckers, anyway.)
The New JLA line-up (Who are the only senior guys left here? Hmmm, lemme think...I give up)
Blackest Night (The Hawks out of the picture for most of it...Another opportunity for Baal...er...Barry and Hal to shine.)

Before I tell you why, here’s the low-down on my classification system:

In terms of this particular classification system, there’s a first string and then there’s second string of heroes. Nothing new here.

First string are your top heroes, your JLA and some JSA, and be divided into first line (basically DC’s Trinity) and next line and sometimes even line after next (the latter two subcategories are the rest of the first string or top heroes).

There are no subcategories under second string, because once you’re second string, your life is over :)

Okay back to the conspiracy:

Barry and Hal (or rather Flash and Green Lantern) are the next line, but the conspirators think “next line” would sound better if there were no other candidates for that subcategory.

Although the Long Term objective was never to replace the Trinity (in terms of heroic status), it was to make the “next line” (Barry and Hal) more elite in the minds of readers. That’s easier to do with no competitors for next line slots or, put differently, a greater divide between next line and the line after next.

It is doomed to fail in the long term, because three regimes down the line there may very well be people at the reigns of DC who don't worship Hal and Barry quite as much. In fact, such a scenario is extremely likely.

Transmission over.

The truth about Dan Didio...

Years ago, when a comic book writer whose writing I dislike (present tense, because I still do) became way too influential for my liking, I left the whole comic book reading thing all together. And that was just a writer.

What am I to do when I see the bloody fingerprints of The Boss of my favourite superhero comic publisher on everything I don’t like about said publisher?

I don’t know yet, but the first step in my process is to research the problem.

Question:
Who is Dan Didio?

Answer:
Dan is OBVIOUSLY a Marvel plant. A sleeper saboteur, if you will.

How do I know this?

Exhibit A:
The one thing Marvel has over DC is far less complicated continuity. Didio knows this, yet he green lit several major events that seemed to have the primary function of loading another level of complications onto DC continuity (Infinite Crisis, Countdown, and Final Crisis, I’m looking at you). And then, last I heard, Dan got the same writer I mentioned at the start of this post to pen something called Multiverse (which could be disastrous knowing how great Final Crisis turned out). Be afraid, people.

Exhibit B:
Before Didio’s reign, DC killed off about one popular character per decade. During this Didio age, characters with big, small, and medium-sized followings are getting killed off every six months. This type erosion of intellectual property and fan base is exactly what I would want if I were the Marvel bosses.

Exhibit C:
This is one is the most conclusive piece of evidence I have and that is: His name is Dan Didio. Who chooses names like that? Marvel. That’s who! Here are some examples: Bruce Banner, Peter Parker, Reed Richards, Susan Storm, Rich Rider, Scott Summers, Matt Murdock, Warren Worthington, Victor Von Doom, Wade Wilson, and many others.

I rest my case.

Arch-fiend revealed: From the files of the Bureau for Super-hero Research and Defence (BSRD)...

It all began when I dropped my mug while I leaning against my desk in the BSRD field office. The mug shattered. Then I saw the name on the bottom...Kobayashi!!!

Finally, it all made sense...

We’d been tracking consistent historical anomalies in the BCUS (Between Comic Universes Space) – decades worth of data just waiting for a model to fit it. The strongest variances in the BCUS were between the dimensional spaces of the Archie-verse and the DCU...Of course, it was there in front of me the whole time like a wall full of mugshots!

Archie Andrews is NOT a Jimmy Olsen clone, as many believe. Archie Andrews IS Jimmy Olsen. I not only realised this truth, but also deduced why.

Spiral of Evidence pertaining to Archie/Jimmy Identity:
Exhibit A: Archie Andrews and Jimmy Olsen have never been seen or photographed being in the same room. If someone produces “evidence” to the contrary, they are part of this conspiracy...
Exhibit B: Shared hair colour!
Exhibit C: Shared freckles!
Exhibit D: Betty Cooper. It has been well established that Betty Cooper is not a well girl. In fact, Migtygodking has elaborated on this here, here, and most tellingly, here.

Now, even villains have passions outside of villainy, not so? Jimmy Olsen is a photographer, but to protect his other identity Archie isn’t. However, if you look at Betty Cooper's room here , she’s quite the snapping ace. That’s why Archie ignores Betty’s obvious psychosis: If you can’t be directly involved with your passion (photography) for fear of your secret identity being exposed, hook up with someone who is involved in your other-verse passion. Live vicariously...through a crazy woman!

Okay, now on to the why:
Why would Archie have another identity in another universe of all places? Why Jimmy Olsen? If they were two different people (which they ARE NOT), what does Jimmy have that Archie wants?

Think. First principles, Clarice. What do we covet?

Superman. The ‘most powerful pal in the world’.

But Archie isn’t like most peeps who would just politely ask if their pal Superman would launch their Ex or boss into outer space. No, no, no. Archie wants a puppet – a puppet with super-strength and super-speed and super-everything, because Archie is E-V-I-L!

So, how’s Arch-Jimmy tried to accomplish his ends?
Method: He befriends Robin (you know, the super-mysterious dark knight’s brightly clad sidekick) while in his Jimmy Olsen persona.
You’re probably confused around about now. I mean, how does befriending Robin get Archie mental control over the man of steel? Don’t worry. I was too...until I was reminded of Maxwell Lord’s most recent death. [BACKGROUND: Max gained control over Supes. Supes was about to rip Bats apart. Luckily for Bats, Wonder Woman came along and lassoed Max with - you guessed it – her lasso of truth. So, she asked him how to stop the wrongness and, unable to lie, Max blurted out to kill him. So, she did.] Well, all through the Superman-trying-to-kill-Batman madness, I was thinking, Hey, Bats, why don’t you just reach down and pull out the kryptonite in your utility belt?

Here’s Arch-Jimmy’s reasoning: If Bat-dude has Kryptonite in his utility belt, he must have red, blue, orange, turquoise, or tan kryptonite stashed in the batcave on one those must be the mind-control kryptonite. So, the freckled one figured that being all BFF with Robin would be an all-access pass to the batcave.

Unfortunately, he underestimated Robin’s Wayne pocket money and overestimated Robin's closeness with Batman. Well, that and the fact that Boy Wonder thoroughly salted his game by insisting on building an HQ for the two of them. How Bromantic of him.

Of course, Arch-Jimmy realises that superman-control-via-Robin-via-batcave-coloured-kryptonite plan isn’t going to work. Also, that Superboy continuity punch during Crisis set him back for a few decades.

To this day, Arch-Jimmy and his partner in super-villainy, Brainiac Alt (better known as Jughead) are trying to hatch a plan that will work. All their chitchat is really code...

I leave you with this... The greatest trick Archie ever pulled is convincing people he didn’t exist in the DCU.