Friday, September 11, 2009

Arch-fiend revealed: From the files of the Bureau for Super-hero Research and Defence (BSRD)...

It all began when I dropped my mug while I leaning against my desk in the BSRD field office. The mug shattered. Then I saw the name on the bottom...Kobayashi!!!

Finally, it all made sense...

We’d been tracking consistent historical anomalies in the BCUS (Between Comic Universes Space) – decades worth of data just waiting for a model to fit it. The strongest variances in the BCUS were between the dimensional spaces of the Archie-verse and the DCU...Of course, it was there in front of me the whole time like a wall full of mugshots!

Archie Andrews is NOT a Jimmy Olsen clone, as many believe. Archie Andrews IS Jimmy Olsen. I not only realised this truth, but also deduced why.

Spiral of Evidence pertaining to Archie/Jimmy Identity:
Exhibit A: Archie Andrews and Jimmy Olsen have never been seen or photographed being in the same room. If someone produces “evidence” to the contrary, they are part of this conspiracy...
Exhibit B: Shared hair colour!
Exhibit C: Shared freckles!
Exhibit D: Betty Cooper. It has been well established that Betty Cooper is not a well girl. In fact, Migtygodking has elaborated on this here, here, and most tellingly, here.

Now, even villains have passions outside of villainy, not so? Jimmy Olsen is a photographer, but to protect his other identity Archie isn’t. However, if you look at Betty Cooper's room here , she’s quite the snapping ace. That’s why Archie ignores Betty’s obvious psychosis: If you can’t be directly involved with your passion (photography) for fear of your secret identity being exposed, hook up with someone who is involved in your other-verse passion. Live vicariously...through a crazy woman!

Okay, now on to the why:
Why would Archie have another identity in another universe of all places? Why Jimmy Olsen? If they were two different people (which they ARE NOT), what does Jimmy have that Archie wants?

Think. First principles, Clarice. What do we covet?

Superman. The ‘most powerful pal in the world’.

But Archie isn’t like most peeps who would just politely ask if their pal Superman would launch their Ex or boss into outer space. No, no, no. Archie wants a puppet – a puppet with super-strength and super-speed and super-everything, because Archie is E-V-I-L!

So, how’s Arch-Jimmy tried to accomplish his ends?
Method: He befriends Robin (you know, the super-mysterious dark knight’s brightly clad sidekick) while in his Jimmy Olsen persona.
You’re probably confused around about now. I mean, how does befriending Robin get Archie mental control over the man of steel? Don’t worry. I was too...until I was reminded of Maxwell Lord’s most recent death. [BACKGROUND: Max gained control over Supes. Supes was about to rip Bats apart. Luckily for Bats, Wonder Woman came along and lassoed Max with - you guessed it – her lasso of truth. So, she asked him how to stop the wrongness and, unable to lie, Max blurted out to kill him. So, she did.] Well, all through the Superman-trying-to-kill-Batman madness, I was thinking, Hey, Bats, why don’t you just reach down and pull out the kryptonite in your utility belt?

Here’s Arch-Jimmy’s reasoning: If Bat-dude has Kryptonite in his utility belt, he must have red, blue, orange, turquoise, or tan kryptonite stashed in the batcave on one those must be the mind-control kryptonite. So, the freckled one figured that being all BFF with Robin would be an all-access pass to the batcave.

Unfortunately, he underestimated Robin’s Wayne pocket money and overestimated Robin's closeness with Batman. Well, that and the fact that Boy Wonder thoroughly salted his game by insisting on building an HQ for the two of them. How Bromantic of him.

Of course, Arch-Jimmy realises that superman-control-via-Robin-via-batcave-coloured-kryptonite plan isn’t going to work. Also, that Superboy continuity punch during Crisis set him back for a few decades.

To this day, Arch-Jimmy and his partner in super-villainy, Brainiac Alt (better known as Jughead) are trying to hatch a plan that will work. All their chitchat is really code...

I leave you with this... The greatest trick Archie ever pulled is convincing people he didn’t exist in the DCU.

No comments:

Post a Comment